Finding life again.

I don't even know how to describe what i am feeling right now.

I want to feel God in my life so bad. I feel so lost right now. The past 2 months have been one of the most challenging times in my life. There has been pain in every aspect of my life.
Emotional
Physical
Mental
Spiritual
Just a complete weakness is over me now. I tried to run from it and we all saw where that got me. It took a dead rotting carcass to stop me.
I want to reside in the presence of God. To submerge myself completely in him. To have every thought, every action, every relationship glorify Him.

I miss everything about God. His presence, his joy, his touch. And i'm still missing it. He is trying to tell me something but i can't hear him. The scars from this pain is keeping me from living. I so scared that once things are good again i will get pulled away again.

A song written in 1865 brought a light into my life. It's become my favorite song.. again.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free.
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.

That and Nick Thurmond's "Not Alone"

Those 2 songs bring a smile to my face and make my day that much better, and gives me strength to push though.