Usta

So i would like to introduce my cat Usta. (for those of you who haven't already met her)

I have had a long and heartbreaking past with cats. I won't get into details, but its bad. Here are they're names, how they died and how old they were...
Stary- hit by car-6 months
Spaz- hit by car - 1 year
Oryan- got sick and died - 2 years
Bono (Fat Kat)- got sick and died - 1 year
The Edge (Skid)- went blind, got sick and died - 1 1/2 years

So yeah, i'm on my 6th and 7th cats. we get them in twos now. but anyway, these 2 are the first ones for me to actually pick out. I got them from a shelter over 2 years ago. yep its been over 2 years. We have broken the record! anyway Usta was sitting on my bed this and i couldn't help but take pictures.


Usta is such a strange cat. She will make sure you know what she is thinking. when i came for a weekend between camps she was mad at me for leaving her. and she let me know it. she gave me the cold shoulder the whole time. then she bit me. she has never bitten me, ever! then when i came home for good she was the most loving i had ever seen her. she was with me every second.



I know that dogs are supposed to play the best friend part and all. but my best friend out of the pets is Usta she knows my likes and dislikes. and i know hers. And this is the face she'll give me when she's mad...



But the thing i love the most, is that when i have my music playing full blast and i'm sitting on the floor reading she'll come and hang her head off the bed or come sit in my lap and fall asleep. I love that the things i do don't bother her. she doesn't care about the music, or how much i move around, and she won't even eat my food off a plate i might have next to me. She just keeps me company.




I wish i had photoshop again soo bad.

Strange Morning

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I've been going to bed around 11pm but not actually falling asleep until 3am. It really bothers me because i love me some sleep. i sleep fine in the morning though. I could sleep til noon if i didn't force myself to get up.

You know when you wake up from a dream and you want to go back to sleep to finish the dream and see what happens? I love those types of dreams. I just love dreams. It really shows whats on your heart. If you can remember it.

Well this morning i woke up from a dream and didn't want to go back to sleep. I had a dream that i died.

now i always try to figure out why i have dreams like what happened to me the day before to make me dream that. I remember i watched Signs the other night then woke up in the middle of the night to get some water and could have sworn i saw a knife under my door. (because i started watching the movie on the scene where he sticks the knife under the door and ends up cutting the aliens finger off) But when i reached down to pick it up, it was just a glare of light. The mind plays tricks on us. Then i thought.

Does the heart play tricks on us too?

I was thinking about that all day. and still am. my conclusion is YES, yes it does. But i'm taking that thought in. I want to process it a bit more.

So last night i watched a movie (because i couldn't sleep) and it started off with a father visiting his daughter. Apparently the father had gone crazy. So the daughter asks if she had gone crazy too. The father replied crazy people don't think about being crazy. they wouldn't even ask about it. About 10 mins later she said "but you are crazy. And you know you are."
He then replied "Ahh, yes. But i am dead."

That threw me. wasn't really expecting that. Anyway turns out she wasn't crazy. but she still saw him at random times through out the movie.

now that is one reason for the dream. the other came from a bible study i am doing. It was talking about how God is referred to as "Father." In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller says...

"Today i wonder why it is God refers to Himself as 'Father' at all. This, to me, in light of the earthly representation of the role seems like a marketing mistake."

That made me think. A lot. Why do i call God my "Father?" What had he done specifically in my life to be my father. I came up with a few answers to the question. But one thing still wasn't right. Does God feel like my father? Do i treat him like one? Do i act like his child? I kept thinking about all these things. God be my father. God i am yours, i am your daughter. All these things kept running through my head as i fell asleep.

So what the dream was that... I had gotten into a car accident. And my dad was right behind me when it happened. He saw all of it and couldn't do anything to stop it. he could only watch. all i remember about the actual accident was that i got hit. Next thing i knew i was way up above the accident watching the chaos. It was a 3 car accident, one had flipped over other had smoke pouring out of them. Some people got out of their smashed up car others were running to the beaten cars and screaming. All the time i was wondering, "why am i up here? I want to go back down." I was holding on to a ledge to keep my balance. Just as i was about to let go I heard a voice cry out to me "Don't come down here, i can take care of it, I can take care of you." I then said "Okay Father."
Why did i say Father? it wasn't my dad. But the voice was that of a father. I knew it was my Father God. I didn't think about wanting to come down again. I didn't care at all. I just did want my Father told me. Didn't even question it.
Next thing i knew my Father was sitting with me on the ledge watching the wreckage below. I still didn't question who he was. I already knew. At this time the people were checking the drivers and passengers of the cars. My Father leaned over to me a said, "two are dead." I kept trying to figure out who it was who had died. I look around and couldn't see anyone, but then i did. The man in the car that hit me was half falling out of his Jeep. My heart ached for him. I didn't know who he was, what he did, or where he was going. but it just hurt me to see that he was gone. It didn't even cross my mind to find out who the second person was. I was to distracted by talking with my Father. I wish i could remember what we talked about though. A little time had passed and i looked back down and i couldn't see that man anymore. I asked my Father where he went. And he said, "He won't be with us." that confused me in my dream so bad. But i get it now. Then the thought came to my head. "Wait does no one know where i am? Where am i anyway? How did i get here? Did i get thrown from my car? Wait i was wearing my seatbelt. How did i get thrown wearing a seatbelt? Father, you saw it! What happened?" He looked at me and just said, "You're still down there." Then it hit me. So i'm dead then? I'm the other one. Wow. that had to sink in. There is everything i am accustomed to, all the material things, all the hate and sin and pain in my life. Down there. Just where they belong. I am here with my Father and nothing else. Just me and Him. Wow. I just sat there trying to figure things out. then when i finally had something to say. My Father was gone. I realized i don't want to die. I'm not ready. There is so much left unsaid and undiscovered. I started to think about all the things i wanted to say to people. Somehow i would appear to someone and they were able to hear me and talk to me. But i never told them what i wanted to say to them. I only told them what i wanted other people to know. I somehow was able to talk to around 5 people. But i still never told them what i wanted to say to them personally. I found myself sitting on that ledge again. wondering how did i die? my car looked the least damaged. I then heard my Father tell me "It wasn't the car the was damaged it was what was inside." We then talked about things i wish i could remember. but i can't... Parts of the dream are so vague but others i remember to clearly.

I have been thinking about this dream non-stop all day. The meanings of it. Symbolism. Irony. God speaks in interesting ways.

Last night i was sitting outside reading. I had been reading about God's Kingdom on earth and how that is possible. I was so intrigued by every line i read. This one really stuck out.

"Jesus gives us the ability to love the things we should love, the things of Heaven. When people who follow Jesus love the right things, they help create God's kingdom on earth."

I sat outside as the sun was setting thinking about how beautiful God's creations are. It astounds me. Thinking about God's Kingdom on earth? think about it. It's Heaven. HEAVEN. Heaven on earth. Is that even possible? That Heaven could come to earth though me and you? That's incredible. Through God ALL things are possible, even Heaven on earth.
After recovering from my astonishment i came inside and sat at the computer. I was in a daze. I decided to catch up on some blog reading. And then there it is again... God amazes me. Right there in front of my eyes was "He allowed us to be a part of Heaven coming to Earth..." it is so amazing how God speaks to your heart, then speaks again through someone else's heart.

So here i am. Eyes ready to see. Ears ready to hear. Feet ready to move.

Clean Car. Clean Life?

Today i finished washing my car. I'd put a picture up... but there are some hindrances in that area.
Anyways so my car was so dirty that i couldn't even get all the dirt and grossness off in one wash and even still there is some left. But it looks soooo freaking pretty right now, all shiny and black. I even put new plates on it. So in the process of this hardcore cleaning i thought about when the last time i washed my car was. hmmm it was when i got home from WW last year. Yep my car went a full year without being washed. why is that? It took me a while to remember why, but then i did.

Two days after washing every inch of it last year i was driving into Austin when it started raining. Not just any rain but it poured rain for almost 2 months. but within that first week of rain it flooded. And i was driving to Austin everyday that week. I even remember driving home one afternoon and being so excited to get out of traffic when it then started raining cats and dogs. It was raining so hard that i had to slow down to 40 mph on I35 and i was the fastest one out there. Then once the rain eased up i thought it would be a pretty smooth ride, but no. The interstate had flooded. yep flooded. It took over 2 lanes with around a foot of water. Thats a lot of water when you're traveling at a speed of 70 mph.

So the reasoning behind me not washing it was that i was so angry with the rain coating my shiny clean car in mud that i decided not to wash it until the rain stopped. So eventually once the rain did stop a few weeks went by then because of no having rain we had a drought. So it eventually turned into months and then here we are a year later and i finally washed it.

But the whole point of me saying all of this is that i waited so long to do a simple task that it became this huge messy monster that was almost impossible to clean up. Thats how i've been with a lot of things lately. I get so used to the way things are and i get comfortable with them all the time knowing that they won't be there much longer. And now that the time has finally come for a change i'm not ready. i am unprepared.
This can apply spiritually too. We can hide from God. Pull away from His touch. Tune out His voice. Look away from His glory. Ignore His presence. But only to a certain extent. Because with out Him we are nothing. God is everything on me, inside me, around me... I find my identity in God.



I was looking through some papers today and i found this song. Its funny how i found it after just feeling every emotion written in it.


Things of this world cannot satisfy
The taste i long for is much deeper
A love that comes to me with comfort
An embrace with the breeze

Take hold of me... take everything
I'm giving it all to you
Take all of me... you're all i need
You're something that can't be refused

Tomorrow will never be the same again
the world will see just where i stand, who i am
I am a child of Christ, I am a child of God
I am a child of Christ, longing for more

I want to sing, I want to dance for everything you've done
We come together singing, we will sing together as one

All need to hear from this, your generation of love.

Jason Mraz

This song puts a smile on my face!

Quotes of Wild Week 2008

So for those of you that don't know. My amigos and I started a "quote book" that became the center of our attention (other then God and campers and friends and all that stuff). Needless to say it was a definite highlight.

If you get really confused.... you're just going to have to go with it. Because most of it is inside jokes. And they were all said in incense. We didn't realize what we said until afterwards. Most of the time.

And i am going to copy over. so this is what it really says.

BY: Whitney, Hanna, and Kristi.
(but mostly hanna writing it all down.)

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"Kristi why do you have boobs?" -Hanna

"If you watch Dale's tricks closely you can see Jesus." -Kristi

"Should i bend this ba in my mout?" -Kenneth

"Blake's beautiful... it's true." -The Admirers

"hfidospajfniosaphfdshgbiosagh...... Cancer.... hsdiayfiodshai... Amen." -Some Pastor

"Aaahh, You're my gypsy table!" -Kraig

"Syrup!" -Kraig

"I'm not turning here, this is stupid. Oh shoot" -Kristi (those of you who were there, you know what happened. and what was said. my apologies)

"Blake is for lovers... right?" -Kristi

"Thought you had to hit puberty first to get anything out of it... seems like it would be so hard." -Hanna

"I love Dicks" -Hanna

"Bay Beh?" (in funny Chinese accent) -Some Movie

"We don't have any eggs!" -Kristi

"I hate kids with cancer." -Hanna

"Foxes?? Don't they attack?" -Whit

"Ayayayaya aahhhh" -Chinese man from the Grudge 2

"Hanna your monster vibrator is going off!" -Kristi

"No, my vibrator is only loud on hard surfaces." -Kristi

"Is that you?????" -Creepy Security Guard

"Kristi. Did you just roll your eyes after praying??" -Whit

"I feel all bloaty." -Beautiful Blake

"Push-pops are dirty." -Kristi

"I'm going to miss Fred (the bug we squished on the wall)." -Hanna

"Ahhhh.... Racoon. Racoon!" -Kristi

"If you can't fit through that hole, what hole can you fit through?" -Crazy Black Girl at the Capitol

"Hang on guys it's getting hot. I gotta take my pants off." -Kristi

"Who are you?? We don't even know you." -Kristi and Hanna as Kevin's brother jumps out from behind the door to scare them.

"Heath Ledger if you were alive right now i just want you to know... I'm covered in chocolate." -Kristi

"It's so hot in here!!!" -Laura

"Are you going to help me kill those little stinkin mofos??" -Kristi

"You know why!" -Whitney while practicing her junk punches (thinking the whole time that it was "jump" punch.)

"Is that it?" -Kacy

"What is that???" -Kristi and Hanna as a strange never-before-seen animal runs by.

"Whats your favorite color?" -Camper
"Well i have a lot of black." -Joe
"The color of your soul." -Whitney

"COOKIES!!" -Laura

"Honey, we've got the rest of our lives together." -Blake
"Don't encourage her." -Evan
"Stop teasing me!" -Kristi

"I go in my BATHING SUIT!!!!" -Whitney

"Let the kids have sex. It's camp." -Kristi

"I want a green one (a pc that is)." -Ken Freeman (Taylor knows)

"What the FFFFF............ French Toast!!" -Whitney

"Hey my knitta!" -Ken Freeman

"I'm going to go outside and wait. And it would be great if you guys would, you know. COME!" -Kristi

"Awe. Hey Evan." -Whitney

"I got stuck when i was coming up." -Kristi

"Kristi! Shed a freaking tear!" -Whitney

"Here come a Hanna." -Unknown

"So is that what happens when you get in Blake's pants?" -Jake

"And i just pray for Matt and Deondra. For all those little things they did late into the night." -John

"This is my bare-chested goodbye." -Alex

"Boy what the hell is wrong with your fingernails?!?" -Old hick man
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If you want to add a quote or just question one. Feel free. Some of them need explaining.

That's what you get.

I don't know why... but i like this song. And absolutely LOVE her hair. I'm really tempted to dye my hair red. And if you know me, you know that i really would. So please stop me if i really try to.

Alone? I think not!

There i so much on my heart right now i can't even begin to describe. I really want to talk about it. But its so hard for me to sit at a computer in a big empty room with rock floors and wood walls. I am a coffee shop-sit outside-atmospheric type person. and this chair is real uncomfortable.

So God has stripped me down, taken everything that is constant and stable in my life and its the most amazing completely terrifying feeling i've ever experienced. It's like God has pushed everything out of the way grabbed me by the shoulders, starring me in the face and isn't saying anything... as if he wants me to say something first. But of course i have no idea what to say because, holy crap God is right in front of me, i want to do the right thing. But what is the right thing? who defines what right it? (other then God) How do you know?

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz right now. and its like i know and have heard a lot of the stuff he is saying in it. but after reading what he has to say it highlights and points out a lot of things i just overlooked. I am now realizing that those dead sleepwalking Christians i was hearing about was me.
i want to change that. I will change that. i'm not going to continue living the way i want to.... i will live the way He wants me to.

I want to explore and discuss so much right now. But I can honestly say i have no friends here that i can talk to about God, spirituality, and ministry. And i hate that! it really bothers me. because that mean that i settled for less. i haven't been taking all God has put in front of me. Because i know of people that i could talk about God to and they would talk back. They just don't know me. and that's i am going to step up. i want everyone who knows me to know that God is my everything, He is my substance and very being.
So maybe this is what God wants for me now.
Just me and you.
No distractions.
Nothing.
I am wholly yours.

Wake the Dead

So i have really been thinking a lot about all of my experiences i've had this summer and i really want to write about them... but i want to put pictures with them and in order to do that i need pictures... which are on my laptop so i don't have.

But here are a few strange things i have come to...

1.) I have no make-up and i have no straightener. seems like no big deal.... until you try going without it. very hard. so since i am so used to having all the material things in my life going without them made me realize just how much time i spend with them. so for the time being i am going to live with no make-up and no straightener. yeah wow i know. especially since i am considering cosmetology school. I have decided to replace that time of primping and fill it with time drawing closer to God. Reading, praying, running, cleaning... yes i do consider cleaning God time. You can worship in every form and fashion.

2.) I found out that our house sold. We are going to build a house in the lot next door. So its not like a big move but i like to consider it a new beginning. And since i don't have school to occupy my time anymore i also need to find myself a job. So the next 3 months will be me building some stepping blocks and i want God to piece each one together.

3.) I really missed my cats. Usta and Kurzweil (who apparently has the new name of Thumond...) haha but i still stick to Kurz.

4.) I REALLY REALLY missed hanging out in coffee shops! A friend of mine Kayla and i went to the new coffee shop in town today. It's called Wake the Dead. At first i found it slightly demonic, then it clicked.. oh wake the dead as in coffee. then i got it. So i went in secretly hoping to fall in love and get a job there. The building is black with cherry red stripes going down it and all the windows and doorways are lined with lime green. I was a very easy place to spot. As soon as the door opened i was a little shocked to see all the skulls and slightly creepy paintings on the walls. then agian i remembered.. Wake the Dead. The atmosphere was really easy going and casual. It had hard wood floors and a fireplace with candles in it. Baked goods and pastries filled the counter tops. There was a hallway connecting the other lounge rooms to the rest of shop. The man behind the counter was in his 40's or 50's and really seemed to just not belong there. I figured he was the owner due to the authoritative energy he was putting off. The college kid covered in colorful tattoos in front of us had odored a bunch of sandwiches so it took awhile for him to take our order. So first impression was that it just felt like a really chill place. Which i liked. But the big question was... is the coffee good? So then i tell him i want an iced vanilla latte. He then continued to give me a very strange and confused look so i repeat myself. Then he gazed off into space and then twitched like it all the sudden clicked. I kind of laughed then started talking to him. I asked him when they opened... he said 2 months. the exact time i've been gone. I had mentioned camp before and so he assumed i was with fat camp across the street. And i quite frankly told him... "no." So he asked me where i had been. then i was able to tell him about the ministry i was involved with and what not. it was pretty cool. But the overall impression i got from this man was that he seemed really out of place. it was very strange... but then i got my coffee and it was so freaking good. they had that really good "sonic ice." Kayla then got her drink, peanut butter frappe, which was surprisingly really good too. After we got our drinks we decided to go outside since we are haveing such beautiful texas weather! As soon as i open the door i am greeted my this giant metal sculpture of a skeleton coming out of a vase with a coffee cup in its hand. I found it slightly odd. We found a table in the corner of the fenced in patio and i continued to tell Kayla about everything and everyone i had come across at Wild Week. It was great. I will be spending many afternoons at Wake the Dead in the future.

5.) There's about 7 or 8 people i can think of that i would really like to see right now. You guys have forever changed my life.

Starting New

So i was inspired this summer by a few people to really dig into some thoughts and write them down. And i love to post pictures and nonsense. i just can't right now because i lost my laptop... yeah i feel like part of me is missing.

I'm really trying to find out where i'm at right now... its a little hard at this very moment with Levi, Mat, and Adam playing rock band in the room behind me. But it is still pretty funny listening to them completely loose their minds and go crazy and then to hear mat scream "Mexican (something?)" after every song. I have yet to completely understand his full statement.
But back to blogging... i have been though more then i thought i ever would this past year and done things i really regret. And i couldn't figure out why it was that things weren't getting any better. They were around me but not in me. I was running from God. Then i realized in order to stand up after falling down i have to fall even farther on my face and get back to God. I've really felt him tugging on my heart lately, i just haven't been responding to it.

So this is one of the things i am going to add to my new life of running to God.