Strange Morning

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. I've been going to bed around 11pm but not actually falling asleep until 3am. It really bothers me because i love me some sleep. i sleep fine in the morning though. I could sleep til noon if i didn't force myself to get up.

You know when you wake up from a dream and you want to go back to sleep to finish the dream and see what happens? I love those types of dreams. I just love dreams. It really shows whats on your heart. If you can remember it.

Well this morning i woke up from a dream and didn't want to go back to sleep. I had a dream that i died.

now i always try to figure out why i have dreams like what happened to me the day before to make me dream that. I remember i watched Signs the other night then woke up in the middle of the night to get some water and could have sworn i saw a knife under my door. (because i started watching the movie on the scene where he sticks the knife under the door and ends up cutting the aliens finger off) But when i reached down to pick it up, it was just a glare of light. The mind plays tricks on us. Then i thought.

Does the heart play tricks on us too?

I was thinking about that all day. and still am. my conclusion is YES, yes it does. But i'm taking that thought in. I want to process it a bit more.

So last night i watched a movie (because i couldn't sleep) and it started off with a father visiting his daughter. Apparently the father had gone crazy. So the daughter asks if she had gone crazy too. The father replied crazy people don't think about being crazy. they wouldn't even ask about it. About 10 mins later she said "but you are crazy. And you know you are."
He then replied "Ahh, yes. But i am dead."

That threw me. wasn't really expecting that. Anyway turns out she wasn't crazy. but she still saw him at random times through out the movie.

now that is one reason for the dream. the other came from a bible study i am doing. It was talking about how God is referred to as "Father." In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller says...

"Today i wonder why it is God refers to Himself as 'Father' at all. This, to me, in light of the earthly representation of the role seems like a marketing mistake."

That made me think. A lot. Why do i call God my "Father?" What had he done specifically in my life to be my father. I came up with a few answers to the question. But one thing still wasn't right. Does God feel like my father? Do i treat him like one? Do i act like his child? I kept thinking about all these things. God be my father. God i am yours, i am your daughter. All these things kept running through my head as i fell asleep.

So what the dream was that... I had gotten into a car accident. And my dad was right behind me when it happened. He saw all of it and couldn't do anything to stop it. he could only watch. all i remember about the actual accident was that i got hit. Next thing i knew i was way up above the accident watching the chaos. It was a 3 car accident, one had flipped over other had smoke pouring out of them. Some people got out of their smashed up car others were running to the beaten cars and screaming. All the time i was wondering, "why am i up here? I want to go back down." I was holding on to a ledge to keep my balance. Just as i was about to let go I heard a voice cry out to me "Don't come down here, i can take care of it, I can take care of you." I then said "Okay Father."
Why did i say Father? it wasn't my dad. But the voice was that of a father. I knew it was my Father God. I didn't think about wanting to come down again. I didn't care at all. I just did want my Father told me. Didn't even question it.
Next thing i knew my Father was sitting with me on the ledge watching the wreckage below. I still didn't question who he was. I already knew. At this time the people were checking the drivers and passengers of the cars. My Father leaned over to me a said, "two are dead." I kept trying to figure out who it was who had died. I look around and couldn't see anyone, but then i did. The man in the car that hit me was half falling out of his Jeep. My heart ached for him. I didn't know who he was, what he did, or where he was going. but it just hurt me to see that he was gone. It didn't even cross my mind to find out who the second person was. I was to distracted by talking with my Father. I wish i could remember what we talked about though. A little time had passed and i looked back down and i couldn't see that man anymore. I asked my Father where he went. And he said, "He won't be with us." that confused me in my dream so bad. But i get it now. Then the thought came to my head. "Wait does no one know where i am? Where am i anyway? How did i get here? Did i get thrown from my car? Wait i was wearing my seatbelt. How did i get thrown wearing a seatbelt? Father, you saw it! What happened?" He looked at me and just said, "You're still down there." Then it hit me. So i'm dead then? I'm the other one. Wow. that had to sink in. There is everything i am accustomed to, all the material things, all the hate and sin and pain in my life. Down there. Just where they belong. I am here with my Father and nothing else. Just me and Him. Wow. I just sat there trying to figure things out. then when i finally had something to say. My Father was gone. I realized i don't want to die. I'm not ready. There is so much left unsaid and undiscovered. I started to think about all the things i wanted to say to people. Somehow i would appear to someone and they were able to hear me and talk to me. But i never told them what i wanted to say to them. I only told them what i wanted other people to know. I somehow was able to talk to around 5 people. But i still never told them what i wanted to say to them personally. I found myself sitting on that ledge again. wondering how did i die? my car looked the least damaged. I then heard my Father tell me "It wasn't the car the was damaged it was what was inside." We then talked about things i wish i could remember. but i can't... Parts of the dream are so vague but others i remember to clearly.

I have been thinking about this dream non-stop all day. The meanings of it. Symbolism. Irony. God speaks in interesting ways.

Last night i was sitting outside reading. I had been reading about God's Kingdom on earth and how that is possible. I was so intrigued by every line i read. This one really stuck out.

"Jesus gives us the ability to love the things we should love, the things of Heaven. When people who follow Jesus love the right things, they help create God's kingdom on earth."

I sat outside as the sun was setting thinking about how beautiful God's creations are. It astounds me. Thinking about God's Kingdom on earth? think about it. It's Heaven. HEAVEN. Heaven on earth. Is that even possible? That Heaven could come to earth though me and you? That's incredible. Through God ALL things are possible, even Heaven on earth.
After recovering from my astonishment i came inside and sat at the computer. I was in a daze. I decided to catch up on some blog reading. And then there it is again... God amazes me. Right there in front of my eyes was "He allowed us to be a part of Heaven coming to Earth..." it is so amazing how God speaks to your heart, then speaks again through someone else's heart.

So here i am. Eyes ready to see. Ears ready to hear. Feet ready to move.